Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
