Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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