Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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