can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
