I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
