I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Your cock deserves a montage
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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