I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
