Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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