bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
