I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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