This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
