i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
