My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
