6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize