the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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