but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize