Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
