just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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