i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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