Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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