Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Too much gin, very little bucket
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
