I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize