He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
