How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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