I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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