so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
