I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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