why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
