I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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