Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
