You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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