My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
