just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize