my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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