You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
