If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
