cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
