I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
