Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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