The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Randomize
