70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Im part way to drunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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