You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
