He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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