The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
