my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
