Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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