I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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