Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
