Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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