Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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