i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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