I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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