why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
