I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize