Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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