I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
