i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
