I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
